Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish i was in the wii world.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
