she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
