hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
