Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
