The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
