i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
