My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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