If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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