Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
