Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
