i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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