shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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