The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My ATM looks so different sober.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
