dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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