Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
