I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
