ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
