Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
