my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
