I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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