Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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