We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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