the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
