Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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