It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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