I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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