The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
