Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize