Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
