I think im going to throw up on grandma
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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