seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
