I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And then he peed in my hair
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