I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
