I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
