I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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