my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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