Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
