Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
