just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
