i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
