this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
