Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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