I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
