I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
