just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
