had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
