everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
