As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
