i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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