Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
