I'm laying in your front yard are you home
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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