take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
