I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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