Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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